Church hurt is both a buzzword and a taboo subject. It is controversial because so many people who once called themselves Christians have “deconstructed” their faith and left the church. Yet is there legitimacy to much of this soul-searching?
Those who have followed me for a while may already know that this is a burden of mine. You may also remember a cross-posted article by author Mandy Brandt entitled Under Construction.
Today, author Katelyn Pfeiffer is here to share her thoughts and experiences on the subject of church wounds.
My husband and I co-pastor a small, local VA church of about thirty strong. We are on a team with two other Pastor-Elders and their wives. It’s a lovely little church with a strong bond. My husband has been attending since he was seven and I was lucky to be welcomed into the church when we started dating, and now as a married couple, I am very blessed to be able to do ministry with him and also with my mother-in-law, Deb.
As wonderful as our church is though, we are not exempt from one of the most divisive tools the enemy uses to place a wedge between believers – church wounds.
I like to say I am a “recovering” Pastors Kid. The reason I put “recovering” before PK is that for so long, when people found out my father was a pastor, I was labeled the “weird Christian girl,” as if I didn’t have my own identity. Often, relationships would become strained, usually because the other party had a bad experience with church or Christians and a wound had festered. There were also things expected of me as soon as folks found out I was a PK.
I was expected to know my Bible cover to cover, I was expected to be the most chaste of all, and how dare I ever say a curse word or have my own thoughts that didn’t align with scripture!
For me, growing up in the church, someone was always watching. I couldn’t even put a hair out of line, or not only would the adult who saw the infraction come down hard on me, but I got to hear it from my parents as well. Hey, shocker! Kids screw up. They make mistakes. But, as a kid, this kind of pressure to never screw up, coupled with the gracelessness of adults being unwilling to realize I was just a kid bred a deep, deep wound in me which then festered into a full-blown fear of authority once I hit high school. Once I got to college and I had the freedom to be my own person, I hit my rebellion phase hard.
Do I think those adults were wrong to look out for me when I was a kid? Absolutely not. As a mother to two small children of my own, there is peace knowing when we go to church there are eyes on my kids all the time. However, I do worry my children might inherit the same wounding I did, on top of the wounds unique to each of them. In this place, I can see both sides – the side of the parent and the side of the kid who just wants to be a kid – so I can absolutely administer grace to both parties. I do, however, know how much work I had to put in to see that my wounds were not a reflection on the big-C church.
If you have been wounded by the church or by some individuals who represent the church, please hear me when I say how deeply sorry I am. I have known so many Christians who have walked away from the faith or from church due to wounds inflicted upon them. It’s heartbreaking to see this happen, especially in today’s day and age when the church is standing on such fragile ground.
Please hear me too — you are not what has been said about you or done to you. The big-C church is not the person who slandered you or the pastor who embezzled your money. The church is run by humans — beautiful, flawed humans with a great capacity for harming others and an even greater capacity for greatness — and therefore church wounds can be tricky to work through. Trust, or rather the shattering of trust, is wrapped up in the core of every church wound. Once trust is broken, it is extremely hard to gain back again.
Trust, or rather the shattering of trust, is wrapped up in the core of every church wound. Once trust is broken, it is extremely hard to gain back again.
Satan’s top agenda is to divide. Divide marriages, divide relationships, divide churches, and he is not crafty. All he needs do is drive a small wedge someplace then sit back and let us do the heavy lifting for him. So, I implore you, if you have been struggling with a church wound, take it to the Father. Seek to forgive those who have harmed you then lay your wound at the feet of Jesus and allow him to wash away your pain.
As a “recovering” PK, I am right there will you and will be praying for you every step of the way.
“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
Matthew 6:15, ESV
I just want to thank Katelyn again for sharing on this topic, and encouraging people to seek healing. Mending church wounds may require leaving the place and people that hurt you, but the answer is not to avoid going to church; the answer is to realize that no church will ever be perfect. Spend time looking for that church that is a good fit (regardless of imperfection), and be sensitive to the wounds of others. Most of these things do not happen in a vacuum–how can you be the instrument of someone else’s healing while you are walking through healing of your own?
Check out Katelyn’s book, City of End, the first in her dystopian/speculative fiction series, The Provenance Chronicles. Check out the links below, and drop a comment to let her know that something she said today resonated with you!
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Excellent post. I’ve been disappointed by my (old) church, but not hurt by it, thank You, God. City of End sounds like a great read and Aoire a fantastic protagonist!
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Priscilla, I am SO sorry you felt disappointed in your old church. That also is such a hard emotion to unravel and can feel like it affects many other areas in your life. I hope and pray you are finding fulfillment in the church you attend now, if you still attend!
I hope you do enjoy my book! You may reach out to me anytime through my website. I would love to connect further with my readers and hear how the story impacts them.
♥️♥️♥️
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